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 Holly's Writing Feedback

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Holly



Posts : 63
Pokècoins : 62
Join date : 2018-03-23
Age : 19

PostSubject: Holly's Writing Feedback   Wed May 02, 2018 9:47 pm

So, I want to become a better writer! That's part of why I still do roleplay stuff! Please, if you have anything to say about my writing - things you like, things you don't like, things I do, things I don't do - please let me know! I won't get upset, I swear. Also just general feedback on things I've written, like solos or non-canon story stuff or even just posts.

I hope to improve, because one of the most important lessons I learned as a writer is that there's always room for improvement.
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Posts : 221
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Join date : 2018-03-02

PostSubject: Re: Holly's Writing Feedback   Fri May 04, 2018 5:38 am

'allo. I promised you I would take a look at Lucien's first chapter in the solo in more depth, so this is what I'm gonna do. Can't say I'm exactly... qualified to do this, but I hope this helps you a little!

The Good
  • I think you're pretty good when it comes to dialogue and getting the conversation to flow. I was reading it out loud to myself, and there were very few points that I found awkward to say. This is especially a plus since most of the first chapter is dialogue.
  • There's a little bit of imbalance with the "show, don't tell" in the first few paragraphs, but I like how they set things up rather nicely and gave the right amount of information; it set the mood of the chapter while using the stream of consciousness to convey Lucien's own frustrations on how Adrien's a dense af boi.
  • I like that you don't spend too much time trying to describe every single little thing. It's something I've struggled a lot with, but for inconsequential things (like what food they ordered or Adrien's watch), you quickly mentioned them and didn't linger on them too long. If you coupled that in with describing a lot of what does matter (I have an example listed below), you'd be doing amazing! The fact that you don't linger on those things leaves room for the imagination too, and that's good. o9

The Things to Improve On
  • While I don't think there's anything wrong with the first part being mostly dialogue, I think the fact that it's a ton of dialogue without end can be a bit off-putting. There's no pacing for it, which is fine, but I'd worry about it a little in other pieces. Maybe a paragraph of 'intermission' to emphasis pauses and breaks can make the conversation end up being more natural-flowing; it's already pretty good as is, though.
  • "Lucien took the moment he was distracted to admire his appearance, not really caring if the other boy noticed." This is just a personal thing on my part, but this is where I'd have described Adrien's appearance! When it comes to admiring, I think it would have really helped to have described with those fancy flowy words here, and it'd make the whole part where "the words just slipped out before he could stop them" a bit more... impactful? Emphasized? I don't really know what the word is, but I hope you get what I mean.
  • Not that there's anything wrong with it (maybe this is my own personal nitpick?), but it might help your rhythm and flow if you varied your sentence structures a bit more! I noticed that you tend to use words like "said," "asked," etc. etc. to present dialogue. It ended up making the sentences tied to the dialogue not vary too much.
  • On the other hand, there was the fact that I didn't notice a lot of movement from the characters. I'm not saying to go overboard with it, but adding a few things here and there might help a lot. Communication between people is 80% nonverbal, and only 20% verbal, so adding some gestures here and there (hair-twirling, leg shaking, etc. etc.) can convey a lot in your writing too!


So yeah, this is personally what I noticed. Your writing's great thus far, and I'm sure you can keep doing better and better. Hope this helped! I'm so sorry if I sounded pretentious or anything like that;;

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